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The Professional

July 13, 2007

New day, new teacher. I definitely made the right move in chucking the old and getting in the new. My lesson today was very good. Hard, but good.

I have no intentions of becoming an opera singer, although I would love to do it… but it’s not going to happen at my age. And while I know I do have a nice voice, I’m just not sure it’s opera worthy. It may be too early in the game to decide that… local opera might be an option. But time will tell. For now, I just want to settle with a good teacher.

I may end up studying with this man’s wife, most likely will. She is also a professional, sings with a local opera [which I think is just darling, I picture them making spaghetti and cooing luscious love songs to each other all night long] and he said he thought it might be better to work with a soprano. So… I meet with her on Sunday and we’ll see how that goes. If nothing else, today confirmed that I got myself out of a bad situation and will hopefully soon be in a much better one.

Have to mention this, although I’m not entirely sure I believe him: he said he was impressed with my voice. That was very nice to hear from A Professional. Wish I knew if he really mean it, or if he was just easing the blow of passing me off to his wife so that he could take on better students. Dontcha’ hate thoughts like that… sheesh!

So… that all sounds neat and tidy and emotionally healthy, doesn’t it?

Wanna’ hear the rest?

{Warning for the faint of heart, none of what follows will be neat and pretty, but it will be the truth:}

I miss my old teacher. I miss his looks and gazes and the longing I saw in his eyes and his dark hair, so black and thick and the moments we had where it felt like there was some sort of connection, something very deep between us. I miss the sunshine coming into the practice room through the grungy window of funky old studio building. I miss his five o’clock shadow as it gently scratched my cheek when he would kiss me goodbye. I miss the way he would say ‘hey beautiful!’ when he saw me, and I don’t think I will ever forget the way he looked at me at our second to last lesson, the one before he became so cold and distant, when I walked in the room. My heart jumped when our eyes met, his gaze was so intent and seemed so full of… what I think was longing… for me? It surely seemed so.

Was it all just an illusion? In terms of real love, it most definitely was, romantic love is nothing more than an illusion. It’s when you’re really with someone [as I actually am now, I am married, happily so — and darling, do try not to be scandalized by my feelings for another man, I would have never let it get out of hand. I think. Gulp.] that you learn what real love is. And like the song goes, I know what love is…

I fantasize that he will send me an email or call or better yet, show up at an upcoming concert that I know he knows I am singing in. In my fantasy, he will be hurt and tortured and desperate to speak to me and will wait for me after the performance, with his lovesick eyes and he will want to know why I disappeared and would I please come back…?

It’s a little sick, I’m fully aware. But he sucked me in good to his game. And his game is good.

He will not call. He will not write. He will not have lovesick eyes. This is how these men roll and frankly, I’m rollin’ in a much different direction these days. Happily so.

So, my darling Blackbeard… you will never know my sweet kisses and how lovely my skin smells up close and the way I make love like a goddess and that I’m somebody you can really trust who will never leave you, although I’ll probably piss you off for one reason or another. But you’ll forgive me, because I’m worth it. And because I forgive you. And most of all, you will never hear me learn to really sing, because you and I both know I can. And I will. But it won’t be for your ears. Not any more.

No, you’ll never know those things because I gave them to someone else. Someone who waited patiently for me to deal with this and move on. Thank. God.

I leave you all — including you, N — with a lovely song by Koop. Cool tune, check it out:

Koop Island Blues
Hello my love
It’s getting cold on this island
I’m sad alone
I’m so sad on my own
The truth is
We were much too young
Now I’m looking for you
Or anyone like you

We said goodbye
With the smile on our faces
Now you’re alone
You’re so sad on your own
The truth is
We run out of time
Now you’re looking for me
Or anyone like me

Hello my love
It’s getting cold on this island
I’m sad alone
I’m so sad on my own
The truth is
We were much too young
Now I’m looking for you
Or anyone like you

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