A Bitchslapping I’d Like To See

July 26, 2007

Got a call from The School today. That would be Blackbeard’s school, and they wanted to know why I left.

Can you hear me laughing?

I have to say, I was a little surprised when I suddenly canceled my lessons, which I’d been doing at a rate of 2x/week at that point, and no one at The School seemed to give a fig. Or so I thought. Apparently, I’m not the only one who has had, shall we say, “difficulties” with ol’ Blackbeard. And The School was calling to get more info. And info they got, I’m happy to say.

Much as I suspected, I never heard back from Blackbeard regarding a rendez-vous. After the call today, I have a feeling he knows something is up. When you mess up that bad, you generally know it, and I’m going to bet he’s a little nervous right now.

It felt good to tell them everything and to hear that I am not the only one. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, I knew it was his own pathology at work. But it still felt good to talk to the director. He must be a singer himself, because he seemed to understand quite well what I had experienced with him.

It’s very sad. Blackbeard has a lot of talent and it’s gotten twisted up in something dark and rotten and he’s dishing it out on unsuspecting victims. Some of whom, like myself, are particularly vulnerable to this kind of thing. I’m sure he was sniffing out my sensitive little heart the second he laid eyes on me.

I also think it’s highly possible that Blackbeard is victim of some sort of abuse himself. Possibly sexual abuse, possibly just good old fashioned emotional dysfunction that 99% of most American families raise their children in… somethin’ ain’t right, that’s for sure. And that is where my heart goes out to him, and I want to save him. I want to sit down and talk to him and let him know that there are other ways, that he can find a better way to be, that if horrible things have happened to him, he can find a way to deal with it and stop hurting other people, and most of all, himself. But I guess it’s not really my job.

Part of me wishes I could see him again, somehow I think if I could look him in the eye I could see if anything of what he ever said to me, or what we seemed to understand together was ever real. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that chance.

It doesn’t really matter. Talking to the director today helped me get some closure on everything. And it was good to know that they care, I think much more of the place now. And once I know Blackbeard is gone for sure, I may go back there. Fate/Universe/Whatever seems to be drawing me in the direction of Opera these days. But I’m not at all sure I belong there. So… at least I know another place to continue my singing, to continue finding where I belong with that in the event me becoming a Diva doesn’t work out. [ smirk ]

I asked the director what’s going to happen. He couldn’t tell me much, but he did indicate that B may not have a job there much longer. Or at the very least, is in for some educational activities. Can we say Sensitivity Training, boys and girls?

The worst is that Blackbeard hurt me. I opened my heart to him, I did things that felt scary to me, I trusted him. And he trashed that all — with his mixed messages and his looks full of longing and flirtatious glances and the hugs and the kisses that came oh so close to the real thing. I didn’t walk in there looking for an affair, but he came damned close to making me think I might want one. Which I really don’t, trust me there… but NO ONE, and I do mean no one, has gotten under my skin like that in a long, long time. And it was very scary. I treasure my husband and I am [mostly] sure that I would not have let anything really happen… but being seduced to the point where it was crossing into the realm of my imagination? Well, you know why I’m calling him Blackbeard.

– – –

The good news this week: my new teacher — let’s call her La Dolce cuz her voice is so sweet and all that — gave me my first aria. An ARIA. Wow. I seriously do not know if I am up for this, but she seems to have faith. What the heck, life is like a box of chocolates and all that crap, am I right?


One comment

  1. I know nothing about opera, but if anyone can pull off an aria, its you darling. And I’m glad to hear (in a way) that you weren’t the only one in B’s clutches, now you won’t have to save him, that becomes someone’s else’s job, and you are better off to be rid of him.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: