Where Is She?

October 7, 2007

Growing up the way I did, I fantasized for a long time about how life would be on the other side — the other side being life away from my crazy family and all of their insanity. I just knew it would be perfect, there would be so many great people to meet, who would of course be fabulous and think I was fabulous. We would have super fun parties to go to, we would do cool things and never be bored or scared. We would be artists, we would dance and sing, we’d eat great food and listen to great music and live life the way it was meant to be lived.

I fantasized that this would take place in a large city, preferably New York City — I didn’t think of it as Manhattan. The word ‘Manhattan’ was far too elegant for my dreams. We would be cutting edge and uber cool and not at all bourgeois and most definitely not suburban, so this would all happen in New York City. Not Manhattan. And I would never be bored or scared.

And in this dream, I would have met, at last, The Friend. You know which one I’m talking about: The Real Friend. The True Friend. You’d tell her everything, and vice versa and you’d never get bored or sick of each other, or even if you did, you both could handle it. You’d take a break and everything would be fine again. She’d get your jokes, the two of you would have frequent bouts of silliness and laughing so hard it hurt and you’d think she was so much better than your real sister. She would dig your boyfriend without making moves on him, or if you were both single, you’d be the perfect partners in love crimes. And if she had a boyfriend, you’d never be a third wheel. And anyway, the two of you were so fine, it didn’t even matter. Because you were having so much fun. Because you had a Real Friend.

And while I thought I might have found her a few times, she’s never really stuck around. In other words, she’s never shown up. And basically, I no longer think she’s coming.


My ‘Internet Friend’ pulled a fast one on me. The [rather expensive] flat I rented for us in Manhattan that we were supposed to share will now be paid for entirely out of my own pocket. My ‘friend’ has decided that she would like to stay in her own place. Why, you ask? Because she’s worried that I’m going to get a relapse of my sinus infection and have to cancel my trip and she’ll no longer have a place to stay [she reserved a room at the Y, just in case.] I told her previously that if that happened, I would gladly pay for my share still. It would suck, but I wouldn’t put a single woman alone and homeless on the streets of NYC. It’s just not my style.

My husband and another friend thinks she’s nuts. I’m thinking that I just have really bad judgement and I don’t know how to pick good people around me. Which makes me feel really shitty about myself. Aren’t I supposed to better at this at the age of 43? I mean, booking a flat with an ‘internet friend’… what the fuck was I thinking…? And then I think I’m beating myself up when she is the one who renigged. She is the one who is stupid and kind of sucks. Not I.

I considered canceling the whole trip, but I want to go. I love Manhattan. Love. It. I’m not going to let this ruin things. There’s a chance another friend will join me for a few days, that will help with the financial aspect. It’s not really about the money, though, of course. It’s the principal. It’s yet another letdown when I have a held out my hand — with a little bit of my heart in it — once again.

I used to put the whole heart out there, every time. Proudly worn on my sleeve. And then I noticed it was getting a little battered, a little worse for wear. Down it went and I think, down it will stay until someone proves to me that I should do otherwise.

Lots of wise people say you have to have no expectations of anybody in order to be happy in life. I’m kind of tired of being sad and let down. So maybe I’ll just decide that I really don’t care what she does. And have myself a grand old time in The Big Apple with the bestest friend I’ll ever know: ME.


One comment

  1. Oh no, I’m so sorry your trip to NYC didn’t turn out like you planned. I hope you and I continue to get to know each other, I would never, ever, do something like that to a friend. And I consider you one of mine.

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