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I Send ‘Em Packing

October 9, 2007

It’s been rough waters, lately. Let’s take a look:

1. I returned from my wonderful yet exhausting 5-week vacation only to come down with a sinus infection that has taken be about 3 weeks to fully recover from.

2. The antibx I took for the SI led to a YI and for some reason, I also came down with a UTI. I have had more YIs and UTIs then I normally get ever lately (YIs not a lot, and UTIs, until this year, only once before.) The only thing I can connect it to is it seems to be happening more since I got pregnant last year. That’s a long story that did not come to fruition and that for the moment, I don’t care to write about. But I wish things would calm the fuck down.

3. My ‘internet friend’ turned out to be an unreliable neurotic who I told, in no uncertain terms, to go fuck off yesterday. I told someone off in Yahoo Messenger. It was kind of weird, but it also felt really good to tell her *exactly* what I thought. Which I don’t always do. I often walk a fine line of biting my tongue around the numerous people in my life who I find to be, frankly, a little nuts. Maybe YM was the only thing that made it safe to be honest, but god it felt good. And given her response [“well, my friends think you’re neurotic for considering canceling a trip to NYC just because you had a sore throat” — oh, do seriously fuck off, sister], I know I did the right thing. Onward.

4 & 5. Here come the two most painful: I haven’t written at all about this, but my one brother with whom I am very, very close [as opposed to the 6 remaining living siblings who I do not allow in my life due to their insanity issues] has prostate cancer. He found out earlier this year and told me before we left on our trip. I am terrified of losing him at times. And yeah, I know PC is not that bad and you can live with years for it, blah, blah… but when it’s someone your that close to, it’s not a cocktail party. To boot, he has refused the standard treatment [surgery or chemo] due to his fear of some rather unpleasant complications. His choice frightens me although once I researched things, I came to understand. But I am scared. And now he is telling me that he is having very strange and as yet inexplicable joint pain. So bad that he can’t sleep at night. He’s been tested for everything under the sun, including spreading cancer, all negative. I’m thinking it’s too many herbs or supplements. And I’m praying for some relief for him. He is much older than me and I’ve always known I would lose him one day… but I don’t know what I will do if that day comes sooner than I ever expected.

My youngest brother, who has a habit of writing me passive aggressive emails about once a year, along with the occasional drunken phone call when he’s in a particularly painful spot, like the end of yet another failed relationship, had the misfortune of sending me another one of his masterpieces yesterday. It was the wrong day for him to do that.

On the tailwind of my YM honesty session with my Internet Friend, I decided that it was time to get down to it with C. So I took him up on his passive aggression, and I threw it right back at him… except with clarity and logic and several years of therapy in my back pocket. I know his deal. I know where he comes from and just what kind of fucked up he is, and in his arrogance or ignorance, he assumed I don’t. Wrong. As usual, faced with the Words of Truth, he backed right down, calling me crazy, naturally. But also admitting that ‘I made some valid points.’ Shit yeah, I did.

It felt good to tell him exactly what I thought as well. It is possibly the last time he and I will ever speak. It made me sad to ponder that, of course, but as always, I left the door open. He knows that when he wants to straighten himself out and get real with me, I am ready for it. I just don’t think that there will be any straightening any time soon. And anyway, were we really speaking before? The only difference will be that I will no longer be upset [hopefully] by his dysfunction. He’ll have to hit somebody else up with that.

So yeah, I send ’em packing. I am so sick of crap from people. I don’t think I’m the only one to feel this way.  And yet, it seems like something that’s not talked about enough. I sometimes think a lot of people wander around in an ambiguously disconnected state, never really knowing what it is they really think or feel, pushed along down the stream of life like a dead leaf. Aren’t we supposed to do more than that with the time we have here?

Or, at the age of 43, is it that I’m just incompetent when it comes to dealing with people? Is the hermetic life my eventual conclusion? I sometimes think it will be. I ensconce myself away with the only person I think I really, truly trust in this world, my husband. And my cats. And that may be all I need.

***

Singing is very hard right now. La Dolce is asking me to do strange things, difficult things, insisting it will bring results. 10 weeks off of vocalising is not a good thing to do for singers, so I guess I’m paying my dues getting back to where I was. It is hard. But the arts are hard, so there’s no room for complaining, just room for work and dedication. Maybe it’s the cure for my ills. Do re mi fa so la ti do.

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