Just Call Me Dorothy

October 17, 2007

Update: Feeling much better. Ate some dinner, watched Pushing Daisies (cuz Lee Pace is hawt and the writing on the show is pretty damn good), talked to my husband while looking at his picture on my desktop. Did I mention I’ve also consumed an entire box of shortbread cookies? Nothing like a little butter and sugar to calm this girl down. Screw my waistline, I’ll dance it off when I’m back home. Just consider the following an exercise in me trying, not very successfully, to write away my anxiety. I bought ‘Naked’ by David Sadaris today, one of my favorite authors. Oh, and a box of sleeping pills. Hopefully, between all of those, I will have some relief in the form of sleep this evening. Manana, babies.

I have been feeling strange for quite some time. Since late July, actually. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even want to have a drink for fear of what the anxiety of feeling out of control will do to me. Normally, I thoroughly enjoy a little drinky now and then, but I am feeling so fragile right now that I don’t even want it. That’s a whole new kind of fragile for me.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Is it just the European extravaganza? Getting sick afterwards? The recent news of my brother? Coming to the sorry [and expensive] realization that making significant plans with ‘internet friends’ is, in general, a bad idea? Feeling very shitty about coming to the realization?

I feel like I’m on a bad merryground ride and I want off. I want it to all be okay. I want a nice woman to come and hold my hand, wrap me in a blanket and say soothing things to me that let me let go of this horrible feeling inside. I want it to be about 4 months ago, and I want to redo a whole bunch of stuff. I was in a better place back then, and I’d like to get back there, real soon.

Manhattan is still glorious, but I’m not having a good time. I’m spending a lot of time in the [very cute] place a rented, not out in this beautiful city. And it’s making me think too much about the failed internet friendship and mostly, it’s making me feel really lonely, which is a hot button for me.

I’ve spent far too much time alone in big cities and I think, in different times, I would have been totally okay to come here alone. But now I’m realizing it was actually a bad idea. A very bad idea.

So… I’ve booked a flight back home on Saturday. I would like to see my brother before I go, otherwise, I seriously think I would leave tomorrow. It’s just not the right time for me to be having this kind of adventure and I should have admitted it to myself before I left.

My brother is refusing to listen to the doctors about what he should do. They are recommending surgery or chemo, pronto. He is refusing it. I am terrified he will change his mind only when it is too late. I am also wondering if it’s his way of, consciously or not, getting off of his own merry-go-round, in a very permanent kind of way.

Jesus, everything feels so completely fucked up right now… I can’t seem to feel grounded. I thought I was going to even have a panic attack at some point, I think on the plane here, I can’t even remember when exactly… and that’s not good. I don’t get those anymore, ever. To feel the green-headed monster of panic starting to raise its snakey little head means I’m in a dark and lonely place I should get out of fast.

I’ve not slept well in 3 days, that has a lot to do with things. I bought a sleep aid today, and I’m really hoping it will work. On top of everything else, I’m worried about getting run down and getting sick again. Probably won’t happen, but my mind seems to be spinning in viscious little circles of anxiety and despair.

Maybe I should stretch and do some Pilates. Movement is often a great cure for these kind of doldrums. And I’ll be home soon.

I can admit to you now that I seriously considered bringing my teddy bear on this trip [yes, I have one.] And I’m really wishing I had now.

Where is the beautiful fairy witch, in her pink puffy gown, descending with a mercurial laugh to make it all better…? Click your heels three times, and say…


One comment

  1. I’m sorry you are feeling out of sorts, you have a lot going on in your life, so don’t forget to take care of yourself. Email me when you get back and we’ll get together, OK?

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