In The Black

March 29, 2008

I’ve been trying to post here for months. Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t pull out of the darkness. I still feel so dark, like I’m stuck in emotional quicksand, but I’m writing tonight in spite of it.

It’s been some of the roughest 3 months I’ve had in a long, long time. Rough professionally, personally… everything. All kinds of things have gone wrong. I don’t feel like getting into specifics, as this post would be 4 miles long. But people and situations have hurt me, deeply, in these last few months. If I didn’t have a strong faith in God, I think I easily could have headed off some dark path in response to the stress and the pain. I’m sticking to a glass of wine and this blog instead.

I have so many things to be grateful for: work is better now, and even in this shitty recession, my husband and I support ourselves with our business. We live comfortably, even in these difficult times. We both have our health. We both have things we love to do, both personally and professionally. We have lives, and they are good.

And yet… I struggle with loneliness. Other people disappoint, so deeply and so often. I find myself pulling away from the world, deeper and deeper, and more often. Between the endless shitty spring weather, the upheaval of the last few months and never-ending shocking, horrifying headlines, I find myself thinking more and more that my father who pontificated too often on the woes of the world in my youth… was in fact, right.

“In all your life”, he said, “you can count yourself lucky if you end up with more friends than you can count on one hand.”

My god, he was so right.

My husband puts it this way: think about high school. Think how many of those people were even half-way decent people who were interested in anything more than themselves… the world is just high school, all grown up.

My god, he is right.

I’m too talented to let all this do me in. It’s just a hard time right now.

There are things I really want to do with what is left of my life, so this blog is going to open up and take a new direction:

– I’m not going to do the opera thing. If I was 23 and had more time, yes. I’m not and I don’t.

– I’m going to find a new teacher. This was part of the pain of Q12008… more on that later, maybe. She was nuts and bitch, is the short version.

– I’m going to get back to story and screenwriting. I miss it and I think I could do it. I have stories to tell. I’m done wasting time with stupid people and situations. I’d rather write about them.

– I’ve left the toxic salsa people behind. I’ve found a great new dance studio/school, and I’m having a lot of fun there. No more bitches. Mean people suck, ya’ know?

I feel better at the end of this post than I did at the start. Perhaps I’m turning a corner on this darkness? I’d better be, staying where I’ve been the last few months is simply not an option.


One comment

  1. I think we have been in the same dark place, unfortunately it was so dark I couldn’t see you there. I also feel very very lonely, I can’t quite explain it, so many good things in my life and yet…we should get together again.

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