Archive for the ‘‘Splaining Myself’ Category

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What Happened

July 14, 2008

What happened is that singing won. For now, at least. I am human, and with a fulltime career that I’m supposed to be taking care of from roughly 9 to 5, there is only so much I can do. I hope so very much that one day I will have enough money and time to spend my days doing nothing but creative work, pure creativity, no more input from clients. A girl can dream, am I right?

The singing has won. If I apply some logic to this equation, I started playing piano at 5 and spent my summer afternoon ‘performing’ for the traffic that rolled by our lovely old century home… music came first, and it is only right that She has won.

The Scottish guy has turned into three, possibly soon to be five bandmates. We’ve done 2 open mics, one good, one disastrous. We are getting better, we write good songs and we’ll have our act together soon.

So much more has happened, but it’s all I have time for tonight.

Oh, and someone very, very special has come back into my life. All I had to do was send an email, pick up the phone… and it’s like the 20 years never really happened. Goblin, you’re a suedehead and I love you forever.

Peace, babies.

Out.

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In The Black

March 29, 2008

I’ve been trying to post here for months. Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t pull out of the darkness. I still feel so dark, like I’m stuck in emotional quicksand, but I’m writing tonight in spite of it.

It’s been some of the roughest 3 months I’ve had in a long, long time. Rough professionally, personally… everything. All kinds of things have gone wrong. I don’t feel like getting into specifics, as this post would be 4 miles long. But people and situations have hurt me, deeply, in these last few months. If I didn’t have a strong faith in God, I think I easily could have headed off some dark path in response to the stress and the pain. I’m sticking to a glass of wine and this blog instead.

I have so many things to be grateful for: work is better now, and even in this shitty recession, my husband and I support ourselves with our business. We live comfortably, even in these difficult times. We both have our health. We both have things we love to do, both personally and professionally. We have lives, and they are good.

And yet… I struggle with loneliness. Other people disappoint, so deeply and so often. I find myself pulling away from the world, deeper and deeper, and more often. Between the endless shitty spring weather, the upheaval of the last few months and never-ending shocking, horrifying headlines, I find myself thinking more and more that my father who pontificated too often on the woes of the world in my youth… was in fact, right.

“In all your life”, he said, “you can count yourself lucky if you end up with more friends than you can count on one hand.”

My god, he was so right.

My husband puts it this way: think about high school. Think how many of those people were even half-way decent people who were interested in anything more than themselves… the world is just high school, all grown up.

My god, he is right.

I’m too talented to let all this do me in. It’s just a hard time right now.

There are things I really want to do with what is left of my life, so this blog is going to open up and take a new direction:

– I’m not going to do the opera thing. If I was 23 and had more time, yes. I’m not and I don’t.

– I’m going to find a new teacher. This was part of the pain of Q12008… more on that later, maybe. She was nuts and bitch, is the short version.

– I’m going to get back to story and screenwriting. I miss it and I think I could do it. I have stories to tell. I’m done wasting time with stupid people and situations. I’d rather write about them.

– I’ve left the toxic salsa people behind. I’ve found a great new dance studio/school, and I’m having a lot of fun there. No more bitches. Mean people suck, ya’ know?

I feel better at the end of this post than I did at the start. Perhaps I’m turning a corner on this darkness? I’d better be, staying where I’ve been the last few months is simply not an option.

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Just Call Me Dorothy

October 17, 2007

Update: Feeling much better. Ate some dinner, watched Pushing Daisies (cuz Lee Pace is hawt and the writing on the show is pretty damn good), talked to my husband while looking at his picture on my desktop. Did I mention I’ve also consumed an entire box of shortbread cookies? Nothing like a little butter and sugar to calm this girl down. Screw my waistline, I’ll dance it off when I’m back home. Just consider the following an exercise in me trying, not very successfully, to write away my anxiety. I bought ‘Naked’ by David Sadaris today, one of my favorite authors. Oh, and a box of sleeping pills. Hopefully, between all of those, I will have some relief in the form of sleep this evening. Manana, babies.

I have been feeling strange for quite some time. Since late July, actually. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even want to have a drink for fear of what the anxiety of feeling out of control will do to me. Normally, I thoroughly enjoy a little drinky now and then, but I am feeling so fragile right now that I don’t even want it. That’s a whole new kind of fragile for me.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Is it just the European extravaganza? Getting sick afterwards? The recent news of my brother? Coming to the sorry [and expensive] realization that making significant plans with ‘internet friends’ is, in general, a bad idea? Feeling very shitty about coming to the realization?

I feel like I’m on a bad merryground ride and I want off. I want it to all be okay. I want a nice woman to come and hold my hand, wrap me in a blanket and say soothing things to me that let me let go of this horrible feeling inside. I want it to be about 4 months ago, and I want to redo a whole bunch of stuff. I was in a better place back then, and I’d like to get back there, real soon.

Manhattan is still glorious, but I’m not having a good time. I’m spending a lot of time in the [very cute] place a rented, not out in this beautiful city. And it’s making me think too much about the failed internet friendship and mostly, it’s making me feel really lonely, which is a hot button for me.

I’ve spent far too much time alone in big cities and I think, in different times, I would have been totally okay to come here alone. But now I’m realizing it was actually a bad idea. A very bad idea.

So… I’ve booked a flight back home on Saturday. I would like to see my brother before I go, otherwise, I seriously think I would leave tomorrow. It’s just not the right time for me to be having this kind of adventure and I should have admitted it to myself before I left.

My brother is refusing to listen to the doctors about what he should do. They are recommending surgery or chemo, pronto. He is refusing it. I am terrified he will change his mind only when it is too late. I am also wondering if it’s his way of, consciously or not, getting off of his own merry-go-round, in a very permanent kind of way.

Jesus, everything feels so completely fucked up right now… I can’t seem to feel grounded. I thought I was going to even have a panic attack at some point, I think on the plane here, I can’t even remember when exactly… and that’s not good. I don’t get those anymore, ever. To feel the green-headed monster of panic starting to raise its snakey little head means I’m in a dark and lonely place I should get out of fast.

I’ve not slept well in 3 days, that has a lot to do with things. I bought a sleep aid today, and I’m really hoping it will work. On top of everything else, I’m worried about getting run down and getting sick again. Probably won’t happen, but my mind seems to be spinning in viscious little circles of anxiety and despair.

Maybe I should stretch and do some Pilates. Movement is often a great cure for these kind of doldrums. And I’ll be home soon.

I can admit to you now that I seriously considered bringing my teddy bear on this trip [yes, I have one.] And I’m really wishing I had now.

Where is the beautiful fairy witch, in her pink puffy gown, descending with a mercurial laugh to make it all better…? Click your heels three times, and say…

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Where I’ve Been and What I’m Doing

September 21, 2007

Item #1: Where have I been for the last almost 2 months:

We took a 5 (yes, five!) week vacation in France and Italy. It was heaven and hell and it was too long. I thought being married to a European, I would just love being away from mon petit confort, for an extended period of time, all European-like, you dig me…. all wrong.

It was still awesome though. The last 9 nine days in Rome we rented an apartment that was 3 blocks from the Coliseum. Imagine popping outside your door for yet another incredible Italian meal only to be visually serenaded with remnants of what is most probably one of the greatest civilizations that has ever lived. How’s that for an appetizer, folks?

Item #2: What am I doing now?

I’m recuperating from a nasty, nasty sinus infection that I seriously thought was going to kill me. This time, I ran very quickly to Il Dottore and got me some meds. Doing much better, but still very tired.

No singing for a while, but if well enough, will see my first opera this weekend starring none other than La Dolce herself, my wonderful new coach. Can’t wait to get back to working with her.

We have 2000 pictures that we took from our va-cay. If WordPress had a better interface and I wasn’t so lazy sick, I’d post a few. Maybe I’ll get motivated. If you really want to see them, email me and I’ll send ya’ a link.

Ciao, babies!